Your purpose is to be yourself: finding authenticity

Grayshift: n. The tendency for future goals and benchmarks to feel huge when viewed in advance, only to fade into banality as soon as you’ve achieved them – finally reaching the top of the ladder, only to notice it circling back around like a hamster wheel. - From The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows by Jon Koenig.

https://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/

It’s common to think that purpose in life comes from your accomplishments, especially the types of accomplishments that are ordained by our peers or our culture, such as stepping into roles of prestige, buying a bigger house, having more children etc. As American culture has it, our life paths are lit by milestones. The earliest one in adulthood being a high school diploma, then a college degree, and in a lot of cases, a graduate degree. Next, a stable (if not meaningful or prestigious) job is expected to light the way to a committed relationship garnished with a $30,000 wedding (according to the latest statistics on average wedding cost in the US). I think you know where I’m going next: kids and a house--though not necessarily in that order. On average, Americans begin having children at 30 and buy their first home by 33, landing us in just our mid-thirties when all we have to tide us over is climbing that career ladder until retirement. 

Of course, I know that this is not the trajectory for many people whether by choice or by circumstance. The point is that the social and cultural pressures to step onto the hamster wheel of achievements beginning as a junior in high school choosing a college and major often doesn’t stop until our mid-thirties when we have run out of milestones and our path grows dim and uncertain. This can create a lot of confusion, depression and identity distress. The pursuit that gave us purpose for years gradually disappears and we’re left wondering: “What’s next?” 

I, too, have run the gamut of personal theories for what my life’s purpose is. We often romanticize finding a passion that bolsters our motivation for everything else in life. We fantasize about making a contribution to society that will make our loved ones proud and perhaps give us some measure of notoriety in our communities. How many times as a child were you asked what you wanted to be when you grew up? The expectation is that we must become something more or achieve something greater, rather than discover and nurture what’s already within us. Maybe there is another way to think about it. Perhaps, through the process of shedding the layers of expectations we’ve accumulated, we can discover who our authentic self is and what it wants. What if our purpose is that alone? The process of discovering and embodying who we are in our truest form is all the purpose we need. If that process naturally leads to a job change or a newfound passion--all the better. However, you may find that the new job or hobby will only be a by-product or a happy coincidence, rather than the reward itself.

If you have found yourself questioning the hamster wheel or you’ve stepped off and you’re asking yourself what’s next, here are some mantras to contemplate and repeat to yourself:

-I deserve a life that feels fulfilling and meaningful to me even if other people don’t understand it.

-There is no such thing as a real job. All forms of work are real and valid.

-There is nothing I need to accomplish to be worthy. I am already worthy.

-I am not defined by what I produce.

-I will not let society determine my success. I can determine what a successful life looks like for me. 

-The types of relationships I have or lack do not define me. 

-My authentic self is someone that I want to befriend.

-My authentic self will lead me to opportunities that will benefit me.

-My authentic self is valuable to my relationships.

-My purpose is to be myself.

A recent study in palliative care found that the most expressed regret of the dying was that they wished they had been able to be more authentic:to simply have been able to better be themselves. You are not alone in the pursuit of finding yourself. I hope that your journey to authenticity is a rewarding one. Though it may present challenges and require change, in hindsight I’m certain that it will feel worth it. I once had a mentor tell me: “If your life path seems clear, you’re living someone else’s life.” 

Wishing you wellness as always,

Janessa