Embracing the Grief of Self-Awareness: A Journey Toward Acceptance
In a recent training in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), I encountered an exercise that resonated deeply with me. It offers a unique way to explore the internal struggles many of us face, and I want to share it with you today. It begins like this:
Imagine a tug-of-war. On the other side of the rope is a part of you that you’ve been battling—a painful memory, an experience you’d rather forget, or a deep-seated belief about yourself. Perhaps it’s something like, “I attract chaos,” or “I’m difficult to love.” Take a moment to visualize what’s on the other end. Give it form—an image, a color, a voice if it has one.
Now, picture yourself in the heat of the struggle, pulling with all your might. At first, you feel strong, determined. You might even believe you’re winning, gaining ground. You feel powerful, confident, maybe even relieved. But then, your opponent finds its footing. Your grip falters, your hands slip. How do you feel now? The fear creeps in, along with anger and insecurity. You can feel the push and pull, the exhausting, seemingly endless back-and-forth.
Direct your thoughts back to the tug of war and imagine an announcer appears and declares that there will be no winner. “This game of tug of war is indefinite!” How are you feeling now? Notice how this lands in your body. Where do you feel the weight of this news? How do you feel, knowing there is no clear end, no decisive victory? Hold space for whatever your personal experience is. I want to assume that amidst other emotions sadness is being felt right now.
There is grief in realizing that no matter how hard you pull, the struggle remains. There is grief in acknowledging a truth you’ve been avoiding. You might grieve for the version of yourself who once believed this inner battle could be won or wished it might someday vanish. This is the grief of meeting yourself exactly where you are—coming face-to-face with your pain, your story, your wounds. It’s no wonder that acceptance can feel profoundly lonely and sad. There’s a deep grief in recognizing that no matter how far you run or how hard you fight, you carry yourself—your whole self—with you. Everywhere you go, there you are.
Acceptance doesn’t mean surrendering to suffering. Rather, it means changing how you relate to it. Once you realize that this internal tug-of-war might continue, you can shift your energy. Instead of trying to win, you might focus on how to endure. How can you make yourself more comfortable, knowing the tension isn’t going away anytime soon? You might begin to integrate the struggle rather than expect it to go away or look differently.
To guide you through what that looks like, I suggest identifying and grounding yourself in your values. Some questions you might ask yourself are:
“If I had to pick 5 words to describe what’s important to me, what would they be?'“
“What do I fear most in life? What is that fear protecting for me? (there might be a value underneath)
“When do I feel the most aligned with myself? What activities am I doing? What environment am I in? What am I wearing?”
When you align with your core values, your efforts stop being about proving something to yourself or others. The goal isn’t to “win” anymore. Slowly, the tension within yourself begins to defuse, and in the process, you conserve energy for what really matters. You start integrating the parts of yourself you’ve struggled to accept. Interestingly, when the battle subsides, you might discover you have new space—emotional bandwidth and energy—to shift your perspective, to evolve your negative beliefs about who you are and what you’re capable of.
I hope this exercise offers you something valuable. Next time you feel at war with yourself, allow yourself to sit with the grief of self-awareness. It’s okay to feel the loneliness that comes with being you—the only person who truly knows what it’s like to live your life. Accepting that can be exactly what liberates you also.
Wishing you wellness,
Janessa Cole, MA LPC